Choosing between numbness and a good emotion is easy. But what if the choice is between the well-known, familiar and above all secure numbness, feeling nothing in the foggy darkness and an unknown emotion, that makes you cry, that gives you nothing but psychical pain?
In the last couple of days I made the strange experience that my heart would prefer the loneliness, prefers feeling nothing instead of the pain, even when my mind says that's ridiculous!
To make the long story short:
I needed a document from home for some authorities in order to get my money, but without money I can't go home - a devil's circle! The woman, for sure competent in her job, said that one sentence: "Either you have friends or not."
OMG, these 6 little words ... alone quite harmless, but in its combination so diastrous. My wasn't in the slightest prepared, my knight as unprepared and my guard down. How could she only say this? How can words only cause this kind of pain? It's been a while I felt this way, it was horrible. It felt like my heart, my soul, my self was cut with the sharp blade of a sword. And I bleeded like being struck this way - only mentally. So much worse than pysical pain. There was a constant echo of those words in my ear and every time it was another cut and one more and again. Not to say that I had a breakdown ... to reasure you, I found some help, some protection (to name another good P-word!) in form of talks.
Sure, I am a loner. True, I do have only a small circle of friends. It's also given fact that most of my dear and closest people live somewhere in the world; I might mention Carol, Bri, Dolly, Stefanie, Sandra, Elke and Vivian (west to east on the globe).
The knowledge you guys are out there soothes my pain. I shall never forget that I do have friends! A thousand times thank you!
P.S. Pain = Payne = Black Dagger Brotherhood Series
If somebody had told me one year ago, that I wouldn't have instantly the new BDB book in hands straight after release, I'd have this person declared to be mental! And now, release was in March, it's ... and I still don't have it (not yet, but soon!). What a sensation!