tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58696504947590891172024-03-06T06:32:30.585+01:00Nofretiris Dream Of WritingNofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.comBlogger330125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-21380976639212977392012-08-19T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-19T14:00:07.285+02:00A-Z, Epilogue.In R for Reputation you've got familiar with the car metaphor what happens with our brain during the depression and in the meantime in altogether 26 letters you've got to read a lot about me, my emotions, my struggles, my thoughts, everything that concerns my life in depression.<br />
<br />
First and above all I've written those posts for myself. It's like my own documentation of my stay in the clinic and everything that was important for me. Second, I've written for my friends all over the world. The advantage of telling everything just once instead of repeating myself all over again. And third, maybe - really just maybe - there's somebody out there, who can read something out of my lines and speaks about his/her illness or the one's of a partner, family member, friend or colleague.<br />
<br />
With breaking the silence and talking openly about depressions we have the easiest, but also most powerful weapon to help.<br />
<br />
Go ahead and talk! Don't hesitate to ask!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-85567963560881851032012-08-17T14:15:00.000+02:002012-08-17T14:15:00.480+02:00A-Z, Z for 3-2-1-Zero.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht7WRCOLfCoTqi9CytSxtV77vfNA7ra3tl59ntHM59lNrrScTNNmHip7yIyrQ1QOIx-R0cXf4SiT77QW2RMn7wHWVZcTP6g-ZxD41RTFxgtPgKsuJ2MAMt718nzBLTIMChnGhdGlPWqiU/s1600/049+-+A-Z+321+Zero.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht7WRCOLfCoTqi9CytSxtV77vfNA7ra3tl59ntHM59lNrrScTNNmHip7yIyrQ1QOIx-R0cXf4SiT77QW2RMn7wHWVZcTP6g-ZxD41RTFxgtPgKsuJ2MAMt718nzBLTIMChnGhdGlPWqiU/s1600/049+-+A-Z+321+Zero.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
'Cos I've seen blue skies</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
through the tears in my eyes</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
and I realize </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
I'm going home. </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: right;">
<i>From Rocky Horror Picture Show</i></div>Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-90014623397997251622012-08-17T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-17T14:00:15.726+02:00A-Z, Y for Yin Yang.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe4_IG1Efpswo3JnrzDJ6LCMxi8dYo-OXDhRGp_Gx3f7FSur_wtrlaJBQ_AVMxaPTPEeipUl80ziK50AAa6C34NBoBhYtF8CTK1SwGZug8C9g_povVvy0FXt4pzq-TDqQTC4Sgf0ZzEoE/s1600/048+-+A-Z+Yin+Yang.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe4_IG1Efpswo3JnrzDJ6LCMxi8dYo-OXDhRGp_Gx3f7FSur_wtrlaJBQ_AVMxaPTPEeipUl80ziK50AAa6C34NBoBhYtF8CTK1SwGZug8C9g_povVvy0FXt4pzq-TDqQTC4Sgf0ZzEoE/s1600/048+-+A-Z+Yin+Yang.jpg" /></a></div>
Hmm... in lack of any idea, what to write here with this wonderful catchword, let's better bring it to an end, what do you think?<br />
<br />Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-91371461554958839742012-08-16T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-16T14:00:11.981+02:00A-Z, X for X-Files.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0cHck_aL-X3kVfCqkyDSeOqbdSBH8wGAEUVl2AYbYytNcg_qRWMZLGZI4ttEMKbWr_IWry_2JhoGYz3cbxTy5YYCWJa-hpFn7KNHv7DwRoi51vTHVTgZUZGg1fBOuEBszbwhS1TXNKfs/s1600/047+-+A-Z+X-Files.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0cHck_aL-X3kVfCqkyDSeOqbdSBH8wGAEUVl2AYbYytNcg_qRWMZLGZI4ttEMKbWr_IWry_2JhoGYz3cbxTy5YYCWJa-hpFn7KNHv7DwRoi51vTHVTgZUZGg1fBOuEBszbwhS1TXNKfs/s1600/047+-+A-Z+X-Files.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
X-File Depression: Closed (for now)!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-52857509946845473642012-08-15T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-15T14:00:19.165+02:00A-Z, W For Weapon.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV23fHXE1ufBLYBrtc33h7_PgbpmTmOXyxPFShhJXRl_Sz-g_e5zieBsiEivKdciQ5ID9OHvjmYoanRq8WNPWJli4riizN28BU8rQDcqGozc_ZgYYHGMGyDQCicFjGXlTkAh8zZKdgHAY/s1600/046+-+A-Z+Weapon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV23fHXE1ufBLYBrtc33h7_PgbpmTmOXyxPFShhJXRl_Sz-g_e5zieBsiEivKdciQ5ID9OHvjmYoanRq8WNPWJli4riizN28BU8rQDcqGozc_ZgYYHGMGyDQCicFjGXlTkAh8zZKdgHAY/s1600/046+-+A-Z+Weapon.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
First I thought about symptoms that could and did occur while depressions and other information, but that all was already wonderfully done in Wikipedia (-><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_%28mood%29" target="_blank">Depression</a>). <br />
<br />
Frankly speaking that idea for this post didn't go well off hand. I couldn't find the right words - again, maybe now coming to an end, I'm simply out of words. That for I decided to just leave it at that. Period.<br />
<br />
Oh, maybe just one word to W for Weapon: Our most powerful weapon against prejudices and depression itself are wisdom and talking about it!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-67421523784959373042012-08-14T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-14T14:00:06.067+02:00A-Z, V For Victory.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMxBN70eTlTBG79ak44ooqCusb6ooqkWudCVPkDCmmuV2pp5Sf1ectnZGVbUhrh1FLzyEk_fXVPNCLmE2N-bEaQUR5tG15ZSDWb5xfOXY6UwACWSRzeYMHVCigrz-rZP4xBGTjbrLOdHw/s1600/045+-+A-Z+Victory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMxBN70eTlTBG79ak44ooqCusb6ooqkWudCVPkDCmmuV2pp5Sf1ectnZGVbUhrh1FLzyEk_fXVPNCLmE2N-bEaQUR5tG15ZSDWb5xfOXY6UwACWSRzeYMHVCigrz-rZP4xBGTjbrLOdHw/s1600/045+-+A-Z+Victory.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Veni, Vidi, Vici. - I came, I saw, I played some games and I won - well, sometimes.<br />
<br />
When you're feeling better - Thank God I do - you do almost everything for time to go by. Among others a spare time activity is playing games. I favor card games like 'Skip-Bo' and board games like 'Mensch Aergere Dich Nicht' (=Ludo/Parcheesi) or Rummy, which is a variation of Romme only with plastic bricks instead of cards.<br />
<br />
Anyway, here you're in the lucky position that most of the time another player is around, you just have to knock on a door or two.<br />
<br />
Interesting to know or better not know that I don't have the slightest glue, how games I played as a kid are named in English! Thanks to <a href="http://dict.cc/" target="_blank">dict.cc</a>!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-3490593702003697292012-08-13T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-13T14:00:07.959+02:00A-Z, U For Unique.First I went for U for Universe in order to write about my dream/phantasy world versus the real world. I sat in front of my concept book and no words came out. Obviously it wasn't the right time to think about this topic. So, I decided to chose another catch word:<br />
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In J for Joker I've mentioned Art Therapy. Today I want to tell you a little more about it.<br />
<br />
The room was just the way I imagine a place for being creative. Light and open, with lots of space for only a limited group of people. Shelves with art books and colors and pencils and everything you dream to use for your kind of art. Large tables if you wish to sit and work with clay and decorative art on the walls. Just wonderful!<br />
<br />
My first lesson was on a Monday morning. Two others were also new. After introduction we were given a huge piece of paper (100x70 cm) clipped on a easel the way we felt better, I decided for landscape format.<br />
<br />
Btw: I have to register that my art vocabulary is limited - a good reason to learn some new words!<br />
<br />
Then we hat to chose one acrylic color. Does somebody wonder my choice was blue. After feeling the sheet of paper with our hands to get an idea for its dimensions, we had to close our eyes and paint something for 30 seconds. We were asked to step back and have a look if we 'see' something, which we could continue painting, plus adding other colors, too.<br />
<br />
First I saw on the top right corner a cloud, but when I continued with the center it didn't fit in there anymore. It became just a monochrome (blue, black & white) mixture of shapes and forms. Have a look:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxLAfKC337B6TuIeG9Ag0Q3r6H3DxyXz8pNm_GzumO0bPCBt1fFLn_eJ2VUJy3LeCjcvww9o6kGWagE0eUB7uD_0ZSS3tXpUxEgX78uhCjNPmdL7dgMemcQo5sUnDF6JAzXwZKoWP-wJA/s1600/044+-+ArtTherapy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxLAfKC337B6TuIeG9Ag0Q3r6H3DxyXz8pNm_GzumO0bPCBt1fFLn_eJ2VUJy3LeCjcvww9o6kGWagE0eUB7uD_0ZSS3tXpUxEgX78uhCjNPmdL7dgMemcQo5sUnDF6JAzXwZKoWP-wJA/s320/044+-+ArtTherapy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I also loved the second lesson, after finishing my painting. The art therapist gave me a collection of headlines, where I should chose one and do whatever comes into my mind. The first headline that got into my hands was '<i>The breathless beauty'</i>. In the end my mind came up with a diary entry, where I reported about an imaginative morning in front of the Taj Mahal.Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-91614433417675597872012-08-12T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-12T14:00:44.901+02:00A-Z, T For Tangram.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibBX73WEAxJwlP0tvm7-S5AMgSP4osOqIOGgp8xkziXD_24Xndv-Zu5qU7Z4bfN4uXQZfGbBbm6GhV0FBdB9NmZSQd7ugVqTqSar__-PHO31THn2FHrfq_Y9_WIgYfo2IIouvlVx8L4U0/s1600/042+-+A-Z+Tangram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="73" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibBX73WEAxJwlP0tvm7-S5AMgSP4osOqIOGgp8xkziXD_24Xndv-Zu5qU7Z4bfN4uXQZfGbBbm6GhV0FBdB9NmZSQd7ugVqTqSar__-PHO31THn2FHrfq_Y9_WIgYfo2IIouvlVx8L4U0/s320/042+-+A-Z+Tangram.jpg" width="243" /></a></div>
Do you know Tangram? A puzzle with just 7 pieces, which can be arranged in countless combinations, from people to animals over objects and houses to simple geometric forms, which are the most difficult by the way!<br />
<br />
It happens to be that I somehow feel like a Tangram. The pieces are there and familiar, I'm just not sure about the outcome ... What will the final form be? Or is it just like Tangram, that the form is variable? That I am variable, because everything is changing at the moment?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQuW7ebCWlfSWntC6OWMZAAAXGKtWCh6aA38Gan6H0HCLFZBCCr19g2JjoPXMgSz9OiU31j-xH_RPwcTT9ANg6SMpntGFba51Pb7PxEEEhn3YGAse2eU63wqnlGxwRFSQ5MoYJWf7yw0I/s1600/042a+-+Tangram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQuW7ebCWlfSWntC6OWMZAAAXGKtWCh6aA38Gan6H0HCLFZBCCr19g2JjoPXMgSz9OiU31j-xH_RPwcTT9ANg6SMpntGFba51Pb7PxEEEhn3YGAse2eU63wqnlGxwRFSQ5MoYJWf7yw0I/s320/042a+-+Tangram.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-74255246124303526262012-08-11T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-11T14:00:02.506+02:00A-Z, S For Single.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikAhLRwBOtjAxUkmQFxhsNii-FGwuvd2ol06FvaLDJXhk99fwPSsuwF-AKlP1UfY9qNjxF5eGCnz5_AMXB_xPXrsvDKCdlZfUFQWeE9e0CDIARgHOZHNOsDeNWSCUrrxuHDHi5rR39NK8/s1600/041+-+A-Z+Single.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikAhLRwBOtjAxUkmQFxhsNii-FGwuvd2ol06FvaLDJXhk99fwPSsuwF-AKlP1UfY9qNjxF5eGCnz5_AMXB_xPXrsvDKCdlZfUFQWeE9e0CDIARgHOZHNOsDeNWSCUrrxuHDHi5rR39NK8/s1600/041+-+A-Z+Single.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Frankly speaking I've never given much thought of that single-or-couple-thing. I was most of my life single. Period.<br /><br />
I've never doubted this status, I lived my life and was happy just the way it was - with 1% exception on special occasions or holidays like Christmas, where you wished to have someone special. I was always satisfied with just myself...<br />
<br />
Should I consider it as good or bad sign that I do care now about my status as single?! Or is why does it care at all at the moment the better question? Seems like some of my old me, my old engergy, whatever has returned back and just because there's so much changing, maybe a part in me hopes this would change, too?<br />
<br />
Whatever ... it's hard to deny, our station is a big community and with two room mates it's sometimes a little difficult to respect the other's privacy. I didn't eavesdrop, I just registered when my room mate was phoning and flirting with her boy friend. This was so frustrating. In a world where obviously looks is everything I couldn't help avoiding to think 'Why she and not me?'. You know, she's overweight, too! And she isn't the only one overweight with a boy-/girlfriend or even wife/husband. Again this thought came up 'What the hell is wrong with me?'<br />
<br />
When did the wish to have a partner become so strong? I yearn for deep, craving eyes (See E for Eyes) and long for warm, strong arms, that hold me thight and secure. The need is so ardently, that the lack of it even makes me cry. I'm sometimes really emotional...<br />
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t also happens here to get in touch with the other side of the medal. There are some people having a partner and those are now worried, because the partner is worried about them. I won't deny having depressions is no piece of cake! A part in me is asking, is becoming a couple really the only solution or to use another S-word - even salvation?!?<br />
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Let's come back to the 'warm, strong arms' ... there's a fellow patient, a soul of a good man, seems to be always there for me, when I need some consolation or a hug - or both. Get me right, I don't have a crush on him, he's just the best buddy a woman can dream of. And he enlightens the hope that there are others like him out there ... if I dare to wish, then at least 6 years older and with blue eyes - and single, please!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-7265820321233191452012-08-10T14:03:00.000+02:002012-08-10T14:03:00.351+02:00A-Z, R For Reputation.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLLL37TW06YtfUe3o7D8ntJOGcwYvGAxnI1ZmxI9O8dRcBLnYmXCFQwFjf2JeQXap-h7nMkksjaEf_9BlT4waUzP4ViAMFf8IIPM8l9JtyFvrgvJ6pBVzLaiA-KAhUIAG9IzJnKvW_hpk/s1600/040+-+A-Z+Reputation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLLL37TW06YtfUe3o7D8ntJOGcwYvGAxnI1ZmxI9O8dRcBLnYmXCFQwFjf2JeQXap-h7nMkksjaEf_9BlT4waUzP4ViAMFf8IIPM8l9JtyFvrgvJ6pBVzLaiA-KAhUIAG9IzJnKvW_hpk/s1600/040+-+A-Z+Reputation.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Why is it so important what others think of me? How (if so) do I explain where I currently am and what's going on with me? Why can I accept on others that depressions are an illness? Why do I think that my own depression is nothing but my own weakness, my own fault, the result of being unable to live my life?<br />
<br />
btw: I should have used them for the letter Q - these are a lot of questions!<br />
<br />
And another one: Why do we set different standards on others than on ourselves? - I don't know. I do. And that's wrong!<br />
<br />
Not the first time I think that's also a problem made by the public, because depressions have still that stigmata. What if the public could really see and accept depressions as a true illness? What if I could see my own depression as a true illness?<br />
<br />
It's so weird even when I'm dealing with this for quite a while now this particular message hasn't sunken in! But it is so important what I think of myself, then I wouldn't mind so much what others think of me, right?<br />
<br />
At the moment I try to find the right words for myself. How would I explain myself my illness?<br />
<br />
I'm playing with the metaphor of a car. Our body is like a car. There might be some predispositions, because of our genes, e.g. if your mother or grandmother had depressions the procentage is higher that you also could be susceptible for it (See also G for Genes). Pertaining to cars: the whole series could have some kind of problems and you can't change this.<br />
<br />
Okay, the brain needs dopamine and serotonin to work correctly, like a car would need gasoline or oil. If the gasoline is now of minor quality or the oil old, it can't work right and - important - it's <b>not</b> the fault of the car!<br />
<br />
The driver can prevent those 'accidents' by brining the car regularly to inspection, in case of depressions suitable regular medication helps the ill body to run better.<br />
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Well, I think I should continue working on this metaphor until I can 100% accept that depressions are an illness. Then I can better think of me, too, and can always argue right.<br />
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I can't help it: What do you think?Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-88187992481509652992012-08-09T14:00:00.000+02:002012-08-09T14:03:24.098+02:00A-Z, Q For Question.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDu4IChcLE2aGC2yJ96wAx7dOWmVjPvl94SUG8ECzPrt7uKIA_zBz1CwuZQnACPYtqBaqer_JiMJngOR0NaM1Xch_72lkw7xC7f_VzAPM9B3frn30OI-pVjv9CGXMLGhA4NsJyXmWWXxM/s1600/039+-+A-Z+Question.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDu4IChcLE2aGC2yJ96wAx7dOWmVjPvl94SUG8ECzPrt7uKIA_zBz1CwuZQnACPYtqBaqer_JiMJngOR0NaM1Xch_72lkw7xC7f_VzAPM9B3frn30OI-pVjv9CGXMLGhA4NsJyXmWWXxM/s1600/039+-+A-Z+Question.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<table border="0">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">K/C</span></b>
</td>
<td>childish, knight, cat owner, communicative
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">A</span></b>
</td>
<td>artist, author, adventurer, afraid
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">R</span></b>
</td>
<td>realist, reader
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">I</span></b>
</td>
<td>individuum, idealistic, intelligent, India fan, ironic
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">N</span></b>
</td>
<td>narrator, nice
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;"></span></b>
</td>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">E</span></b>
</td>
<td>egoist, empath
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">I</span></b>
</td>
<td>integer, intrepidly, interesting/interested
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">D</span></b>
</td>
<td>dreamer, different, diplomatic, depressive
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">E</span></b>
</td>
<td>energetic, extraordinary, enthusiastic, erratic
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="50"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">R</span></b>
</td>
<td>rider, real, riddler, romantic
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: right;">
And think about it:</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
...a lots more!</div>Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-7908004335488547852012-06-13T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-13T12:00:02.532+02:00A-Z, P For Pain.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXzd2enzcXcemqoEJGLJvPxu5wkq1L0Sm9EwcRhwZ50MFPWhMp0C60BQrNfVgNIuFi_Aq95F0HrlcHdLofHHaFTFVRlR_yy-IzqDNEFOKI7RTxvJDpJ7-eEImAcufkkkXaoc5AoeGXZZA/s1600/038+-+A-Z+Pain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXzd2enzcXcemqoEJGLJvPxu5wkq1L0Sm9EwcRhwZ50MFPWhMp0C60BQrNfVgNIuFi_Aq95F0HrlcHdLofHHaFTFVRlR_yy-IzqDNEFOKI7RTxvJDpJ7-eEImAcufkkkXaoc5AoeGXZZA/s1600/038+-+A-Z+Pain.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Choosing between numbness and a good emotion is easy. But what if the choice is between the well-known, familiar and above all secure numbness, feeling nothing in the foggy darkness and an unknown emotion, that makes you cry, that gives you nothing but psychical pain?<br />
<br />
In the last couple of days I made the strange experience that my heart would prefer the loneliness, prefers feeling nothing instead of the pain, even when my mind says that's ridiculous!<br />
<br />
To make the long story short:<br />
I needed a document from home for some authorities in order to get my money, but without money I can't go home - a devil's circle! The woman, for sure competent in her job, said that one sentence: "Either you have friends or not."<br />
<br />
OMG, these 6 little words ... alone quite harmless, but in its combination so diastrous. My wasn't in the slightest prepared, my knight as unprepared and my guard down. How could she only say this? How can words only cause this kind of pain? It's been a while I felt this way, it was horrible. It felt like my heart, my soul, my self was cut with the sharp blade of a sword. And I bleeded like being struck this way - only mentally. So much worse than pysical pain. There was a constant echo of those words in my ear and every time it was another cut and one more and again. Not to say that I had a breakdown ... to reasure you, I found some help, some protection (to name another good P-word!) in form of talks.<br />
<br />
Sure, I am a loner. True, I do have only a small circle of friends. It's also given fact that most of my dear and closest people live somewhere in the world; I might mention Carol, Bri, Dolly, Stefanie, Sandra, Elke and Vivian (west to east on the globe).<br />
<br />
The knowledge you guys are out there soothes my pain. I shall never forget that I do have friends! A thousand times thank you!<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
P.S. Pain = Payne = Black Dagger Brotherhood Series<br />
If somebody had told me one year ago, that I wouldn't have instantly the new BDB book in hands straight after release, I'd have this person declared to be mental! And now, release was in March, it's ... and I still don't have it (not yet, but soon!). What a sensation!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-83036541920360963952012-06-11T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-11T12:00:15.950+02:00O For Omnipotence.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPRTg8FUcACrF6xSBlBlPan38wy2v0-3pIKOKMJCIH5VfdrvCtEofbBDv4gM63HROshkN3lS11tHlmbHHF7dt2w1M3SmjA6u1kCg54DMACruW3RaRnwUFOFiOKuWR-27Lcee5avLTAfy4/s1600/037+-+A-Z+Omnipotence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="64" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPRTg8FUcACrF6xSBlBlPan38wy2v0-3pIKOKMJCIH5VfdrvCtEofbBDv4gM63HROshkN3lS11tHlmbHHF7dt2w1M3SmjA6u1kCg54DMACruW3RaRnwUFOFiOKuWR-27Lcee5avLTAfy4/s320/037+-+A-Z+Omnipotence.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
My dear friend from Malaysia and I play at the end of every email the <i>5 Questions Game</i>. You are allowed to ask 5 questions, but have also to answer them. We're playing quite a long time now and reached the status of really interesting questions.<br />
<br />
This time I asked among others: <i><span style="color: #b45f06;">"If you had the chance to ask God one question - what would it be and why?"</span></i><br />
<br />
Frankly speaking I <b>don't</b> care much about this overall discussions "Why are we here?" or "What is the sense of life?". For those I dare to say that I've found a satisfying answer concerning my person. And furthermore I'm much too selfish to squander this unique chance!<br />
<br />
I would rather ask something about me and the situation I'm in, maybe something about my background, reasons that brought me here, my family ... maybe I would ask to talk one last time to my mother or grandfather in order to ask her/him specific questions about my family history. I know so little.<br />
<br />
Same topic another story:<br />
On the clinic's compound is also a little church and somehow I felt this weekend the need to make a visit there. It's light and open and quite simple. Nothing in comparison with my local cathedral. In this church aren't any colored glass windows, no paintings on the wall/ceiling ... and no visitors/tourists. Just me and a burning candle.<br />
<br />
Very recreative ... but still - my first intention was to light a candle for my Mum and my grandfather, I still think very often on them - but still, I have problems to feel something in churches. There's no reaction in my heart, it's just an empty building.<br />
<br />
Later on in the evening I had a walk with a fellow patient and at the end I had a little break on a bench. It was silent, too, the wind was whispering in the trees, in the distance some birds were chirping their evening song and the sun flickered through the branches creating mysterious lights and shadows. While laying there and watching in the sky I felt what I hadn't in the church: the omnipresence of some omnipotence!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-69029024940946760592012-06-10T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-10T12:00:08.863+02:00A-Z, N For Necessities.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuLZ60d3ZLlCUQTeSAWmURr4DZPC_YJisEkmaG1wzsztJMVnjNsoiH0iqY8EvGivXFpqXDOehyphenhyphen3fy8gbSY-3opQX4ZTCMbtVWN1blUJm09jfyqsaoYfvtZT1blZbjXQMquOt_2lHzKfPk/s1600/036+-+A-Z+Necessities.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="64" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuLZ60d3ZLlCUQTeSAWmURr4DZPC_YJisEkmaG1wzsztJMVnjNsoiH0iqY8EvGivXFpqXDOehyphenhyphen3fy8gbSY-3opQX4ZTCMbtVWN1blUJm09jfyqsaoYfvtZT1blZbjXQMquOt_2lHzKfPk/s320/036+-+A-Z+Necessities.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Well, I daresay it's not the first time (nor the last) I let myself influence by some music ... when I thought of suitable N-words, suddenly <i>Baloo's Bare Necessities</i> (form Dschungle Book) popped in my head:<br />
<br />
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
Look for the bare necessities</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
The simple bare necessities</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
Forget about your worries and your strife</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
I mean the bare necessities</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
Old Mother Nature's recipes</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
That brings the bare necessities of life</div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="color: #b45f06;">
Necessities in the <i>normal </i>world:</div>
In J for Joker I reported from my life here in the clinic; it's rather comfortable, but I still miss a few things ... or to use the catchword of the day ... I miss a few bare necessities.<br />
<br />
I haven't my car with me here. I miss to have at least the possibility to leave whenever I want, whereever I want. Even if I had my car, I would have to ask the doctors if I'm allowed to go.<br />
<br />
Despite the fact that I've never been a big mobile phone user I miss that little gadget. I forgot it when I came here and when a list of things was brought to me they didn't find that little thingy. I assume it's somewhere <i>lost </i>in the depths of my couch.<br />
<br />
Besides a few clothes and other things I miss most the free, permanent access to my ArtJournaling tools. Sure, I have some here, but by far not enough!<br />
<br />
Anyway, when a fellow patient said to me I probably could have a ride with her home and back (she lives near my place), my brain got superactive again, thinking of all possibilites and impossibilities, trying to find answers I impossibly could answer now. It was awful - kept me half of the night awake. Just for your information, a newbe like me isn't allowed to stay for 2 nights at home (like my fellow patient would do), so I have to search for other options. All that nightly thinking was in vain. And btw, I'm a little afraid to stay at home where I still only have negative memories when my days were so dark and my world so small!<br />
<br />
<div style="color: #b45f06;">
Necessities in the <i>supernatural </i>world:</div>
In happened to be the night from Monday to Tuesday when my head kept me busy and awake. Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday.<br />
<br />
While we talked about my inner restiveness my chest was getting warmer and warmer - too much energy from my good source of shining bright light (See D for Daemon). And suddenly I didn't know what to do with that surplus of energy, so my therapist asked: "What do you want to do now?" I wanted to sream, shout, kick something. We went straight in the cellar into the room where usually our relaxation sessions are held - good noise isolation!<br />
<br />
It was strange. I felt how two forces were fighting in my chest: The adult brain me, who was thinking that's ridiculous. I should keep controlled. And that energetic part. OMG! I wept, I strolled around like a tiger in it's cage, it was a real battle within me. With the knowledge that only my therapist would ever see me, the energetic part won. I kicked a non-existing enemy ... and suddenly there she was: my inner child. Have you ever heard of her?<br />
<br />
She was beautiful with golden blond hair, so young, maybe 5 or 6 years old and so innocent, but also so very sad and so very angry.<br />
<br />
The stranger, the enemy became her (my) father. She wanted to kick him for all his pysical and psychic cruelty. And she did kick his ass ... she wept, she screamed ... so long until all that surplus energy was consumed. Then she wanted to be hugged and solaced. It was through time I became her older sister, giving her all the bare necessities she urgently had needed (and until now, she never had received).<br />
<br />
It sounds strange, believe me, it was strange, but wonderful and exhausting, too. For the rest of the day I was done with the world, but also somehow peaceful and quiet.<br />
<br />
I'd like to end with a quote from Prof. Dumbledore/Harry Potter 7: <span style="color: #b45f06;">"Of course it is happening in your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real."
</span>Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-38730470436157467342012-06-09T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-09T12:00:10.439+02:00A-Z, M For Masquerade.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixw1CpEO394c7TtRWA5aLPTDuZPF6TzaEocnlaYidX6lSciJ7A9po8mCY4WJwIxj-k-OtSyopyWG87dJuFRwrwWlp7W4Cx5UuXp5R3L2Etb91buNVCawUHIfVm5egsxIlRvjU0r7pwJ7c/s1600/035+-+A-Z+Masquerade.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="73" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixw1CpEO394c7TtRWA5aLPTDuZPF6TzaEocnlaYidX6lSciJ7A9po8mCY4WJwIxj-k-OtSyopyWG87dJuFRwrwWlp7W4Cx5UuXp5R3L2Etb91buNVCawUHIfVm5egsxIlRvjU0r7pwJ7c/s320/035+-+A-Z+Masquerade.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
First I thought K, L and M would become a theme-trio, but I'm thinking brain and heart do well enough with K for Knight and L for Lost, even when Masquerade is more or less a consequence of both of them.<br />
<br />
We all play different roles in our lifes. I am ... a daughter, a friend (maybe even a foe, at least a competitor), a private person, a business woman, a writer/Art Journaler/blogger ... and currently a patient.<br />
<br />
My most contradictive rolesa are at the moment my business me and my patient me.<br />
<br />
Let's beginn with the latter. I'm a patient in a clinic letting my depressions treated. I'm currently sitting on a comfortable couch in the empty TV room, wearing warm, woolen socks, Yoga trousers, a Kolkata Knight Riders T-Shirt (the cricket team of my favorite actor Shah Rukh Khan) and a vest. It's sunny, but a little fresh today. I don't wear any make-up and don't give a thing about my hair, a simple ponytail does the job. I sleep, I eat, I drink, I go to my therapies, now and then I have a little breakdown and crying fits. I think a lot about myself and my situation and have enough time to be creative. See my post 'A Rush Of Writing'.<br />
<br />
Then there's the business me. We don't need to discuss that outfit, hair and make-up aren't this casual, but more business like. It's especially the behavior that differs. I'm a professional, trained to deal with my clients and groups, and - important - to talk with superiors. Like once said before, I know how to sell myself.<br />
<br />
The fatal thing is, when those opposites collide in situations. I can't stop the business behavior, it's such a dominant part in me - so sometimes I look better from the outside than I feel from the inside. Like an actress, who plays her roll all too well, shows the perfect masquerade.<br />
<br />
Currently I have a person, who helps me with authorities and forms. When I talk with her, I assume, she has that particular impression of me. Maybe unconscious she gives me the feeling that she expects me to be <i>healthy </i>again in a bit of a time ... and I?<br />
<br />
I feel nothing but pressure and expectations I can't fulfill. This doesn't help to concentrate on my real problem. On the contrary it affects me so much that during last weekend I fell deep in my darkest hour for a short while. Felling alone, isolated and unable to do anything.<br />
<br />
So, what do we learn from this?<br />
<ol>
<li>I shouldn't feel guilty that I felt miserable. It was only a short time and it's allowed to have negative emotions. </li>
<li>I've learnt to ask for help, because I asked my doctors to get in contact with that person and talk to her. </li>
<li>Show more what you feel so that your opposite knows, what's going on. Lift the masquerade a little - but how???
</li>
</ol>Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-70196937997519944182012-06-08T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-08T12:00:13.999+02:00A-Z, L For Lost.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGoUJ0pw3Cpzf7tIa8sNCVIItRKzYq3PPBs-eZITSEsjggFH9IdhnRAYr2LudVYHCpZkdK1Y0ktrbiNCHvF4UExWBsfAiZrVyB73VLveUYITIZha8G5jMKjCdv27mX2MvIdZLkJBC_JwQ/s1600/034+-+A-Z+Lost.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGoUJ0pw3Cpzf7tIa8sNCVIItRKzYq3PPBs-eZITSEsjggFH9IdhnRAYr2LudVYHCpZkdK1Y0ktrbiNCHvF4UExWBsfAiZrVyB73VLveUYITIZha8G5jMKjCdv27mX2MvIdZLkJBC_JwQ/s1600/034+-+A-Z+Lost.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
'Cause you are not alone</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
I'm always there with you </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
And we'll get lost together </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
'Til the light comes pouring through </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
'Cause when you feel like you're done </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
When your world's crashing down</div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
And you can't bear the thought </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: center;">
I said, babe, you're not lost </div>
<div style="color: #b45f06; text-align: right;">
From 'Lost' by Michael Buble
</div>
<br />
After '<i>Something Beautiful</i>' by Robbie Williams and '<i>Help</i>' by The Beatles for Art Journaling pages this is now the third time when lyrics mean something for me. Sure, this text concerns two lovers, but it also suits so well for my situation, me and my emotions.<br />
<br />
In my last post K for Knight I told you about my knight AKA my strong mind and my little heart. Fact is that some emotions are slowly breaking through the heavy armor, but very often it's some kind of too much for me. I'm lost with my own emotions!<br />
<br />
Let me give you an example:<br />
Many of my therapies are held in other buildings. After being isolated in my home I have - thank God - no problems anymore leaving my station. Inside the compound I feel safe. But one side effect of my illness is that I'm over sensitive to noises.<br />
<br />
On a Tuesday I had my first session of 'BrainGym', a computer based training for concentration and memory. Really no big deal. It's fun. And most of the time I'm better than the average. On that Tuesday the volume of noises in that room was high (at least for me). People were taking, computers beeping, a lawn mower from outside. Simply too much for my sensitive ear.<br />
<br />
Okay, then Wednesday morning straight after breakfast I suddenly felt rather shaky and dizzy, got a thumb tongue. Very unpleasant. I had no idea what was wrong. I hoped when I sat a little longer it would go away again. Maybe the coffee was too strong or I stood up too fast. The feeling stayed. Okay, let's go to the nurses. They checked my blood pressure and pulse, but everything was okay. What the hell was wrong?<br />
<br />
The simple answer: I was afraid!<br />
I didn't know it, because the last time I <i>really </i>felt this way was long, long ago. Excitement - yes! Stage fright - yes! But afraid - no! My brain controlled everything, did everything to prepare me so well to not get me into frightening situations. And now, when my heart became stronger, it showed me that those feelings are still there. The only problem, poor Karin wasn't able to put a name on it. So my body showed typical symptoms. It's really irritating, I can tell you. To feel something and you don't know exactly what. To have a little panic attac is new and somehow frightening, too. It's like fearing the fear.<br />
<br />
The end of the story on Thursday the game repeated, but we talked among others in our group session about it. On Friday then I took my MP3-player with me and breathed quite deeply. I registered actively, what happens and that there's nothing to be afraid of. It was okay, but believe me, afterwards I felt more exhausted than after a sport session. Anyway, the success counts!<br />
<br />
And speaking of success - or progress. There were/are other little eruptions of emotions, like frustration, joy or loneliness. I hope in the end my brain, my heart (and my stomach, which is the third component of that trio) will be equal partners.Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-49373626978110753702012-06-07T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-07T12:00:06.979+02:00A-Z, K For Knight.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5aW5mmWCyaRu8Al4yNNmpRb7EFsM4Bg3by5e8FvMl46zA8aMmQWlmQ5k7dJwfvG39DwLX0-LtZy1NatGsGK0zFctitLvEBdTtBD5_tqjupNERlVFa3AsVLuV56JyKQmhmPCAsgSw3RrU/s1600/032+-+A-Z+Knight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5aW5mmWCyaRu8Al4yNNmpRb7EFsM4Bg3by5e8FvMl46zA8aMmQWlmQ5k7dJwfvG39DwLX0-LtZy1NatGsGK0zFctitLvEBdTtBD5_tqjupNERlVFa3AsVLuV56JyKQmhmPCAsgSw3RrU/s1600/032+-+A-Z+Knight.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
First I voted for '<i>Knowledge</i>', which would have also suited. But I wasn't really satisfied with it. Above all, I had it already used in our February Journaling Challenge. And then this little word came so perfectly!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzt9fnCdmAE2EOysi0ldANe5rpjhiq5qw6bNvW2u7U7a47fia3doSlNRlOAt5zx_7nOLXGCNxbjFJKRtnvTOJGGikKe5omq6u041HcJJ2iKEcKLHZqUc9XuphdqHK71KotLQ8VjdCGF7o/s1600/033+-+Rorschach+Samurai.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzt9fnCdmAE2EOysi0ldANe5rpjhiq5qw6bNvW2u7U7a47fia3doSlNRlOAt5zx_7nOLXGCNxbjFJKRtnvTOJGGikKe5omq6u041HcJJ2iKEcKLHZqUc9XuphdqHK71KotLQ8VjdCGF7o/s320/033+-+Rorschach+Samurai.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Remember in I for Individuum - Community I mentioned that a Rorschach test was made with me. And in one of the last pictures I saw a knight - or better said a Samurai in his armor. I asked the therapist, if I could have a copy of the picture (plus a second one, which also meant a lot to me), but she denied. <b>But </b>lucky me and thanks to Google Image Research and the fact that those two pictures were colored. I'd found them instantly. I intended to make an Art Journaling page with them, but I still haven't a new Paperblank book, so for now you just get the one picture alone: Can you see the knight/Samurai warrior?<br />
<br />
You might wonder, why a knight/warrior is so important for me? In D for Daemon I've also mentioned the NLP technique <i>work with inner parts</i>. From another exercise I have that particular picture in mind, which is still so actual:<br />
<br />
I imagined my brain as a tough, heavy armored knight standing in front of my little helpless heart protecting it.<br />
<br />
After meeting my knight you might also want to know, what reason for he's here and how he'd become so mighty? In H for Help you got to read a little of my early independence, means my mind, my brain, whatever you'd like to call it, grew up very fast, it simply took the lead. On the other side, I didn't really got much emotional attention. Good marks in school had become standard, were almost preconditioned. I only received some emotional reaction when my wild side broke free and/or I did something wrong. Later on as a teenager the violence from my father was replaced by psychic terror. Some other circumstances, which would lead too far now, made me never experiment with the whole range of emotions.<br />
<br />
That for my brain developed a very clever strategy. I was thirsty for knowledge (and food!). Knowledge was my safety net. I was interested in each and everything. I made a lot of studies, courses and further educational trainings. I red (and stil read) a lot. When I read/hear/see something interesting new, I usually do a basic backround research. In advance - to avoid danger - my mind thinks of various options, so nothing can't really surprise me, or better said hurt me.<br />
<br />
My brain AKA my knight got trained and strong and powerful. I can sell myself very well. I appear interested, happy, always controlled from the outside, but in the inside I'm not really able to <i>feel </i>anything.<br />
<br />
And my heart? My emotions? I hide them, protected them, locked them away. But you can't lock away emotions, they are there, with the only stupid effect, you can't feel them anymore. Believe me, they find another way to break free (more about that with the letter L)!<br />
<br />
These days my knight is losing a little of his power and my heart is slowly breaking free, begins to show some emotions.<br />
<br />
A little P.S.:<br />
While writing those last lines I feel a pleasant warmth in my chest, like my heart fully agrees!!!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-86764125886118091772012-06-05T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-05T12:00:12.121+02:00A-Z, J For Joker.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhubGg6g_up6bbjw5BHxmBJfqTNW0SEC1JrL8kO_Lr5XyXM4kYJ4kitR1vdTbgEQtoeEeaOg8eoFNW1N6glhI81QqQxLsL8ww6U8rsD7sdN8o9Hwwm2qtTW0wXrJ7nfuWECKrrAU8K2iW4/s1600/029+-+A-Z+Joker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhubGg6g_up6bbjw5BHxmBJfqTNW0SEC1JrL8kO_Lr5XyXM4kYJ4kitR1vdTbgEQtoeEeaOg8eoFNW1N6glhI81QqQxLsL8ww6U8rsD7sdN8o9Hwwm2qtTW0wXrJ7nfuWECKrrAU8K2iW4/s1600/029+-+A-Z+Joker.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Besides a few other good J-words I decided to use the joker today in order to tell you a little of the facility I currently am.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTH9BiBYniR2W5fBEH-Y9o1VKM4G4ucMPOn_tbxjHod3lzZiuVgF_jlAmUY1qn3vC3k0fESeMhfwvknWERVksvufcD5sBSq3TrqnlDJ1twBtDZt8lBv5GG7lLD5wnVHNyF__WS7jZRYI0/s1600/030+-+BZKM+Anfahrt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTH9BiBYniR2W5fBEH-Y9o1VKM4G4ucMPOn_tbxjHod3lzZiuVgF_jlAmUY1qn3vC3k0fESeMhfwvknWERVksvufcD5sBSq3TrqnlDJ1twBtDZt8lBv5GG7lLD5wnVHNyF__WS7jZRYI0/s320/030+-+BZKM+Anfahrt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The clinic is located in the south-east of Germany, about a 40 min freeway drive away from my home. To airport Munich you'd need another hour freeway drive. I've added you a Google Map picture of the clinic's location.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdJ7XQWOQmY8OuLaUAbtgqw6aAiv6Os4CGJhPv3F_NQ3WDN7vys6Uc4CJAX-YSjka8XCyju8yOniPMrmVDfd7q4Aiu_49q6hVb_l9M0lofpGWsZ4xMWAJCgt7O_HgRdj2CYpJ8eGVJM-E/s1600/031+-+BZKM+Lageplan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdJ7XQWOQmY8OuLaUAbtgqw6aAiv6Os4CGJhPv3F_NQ3WDN7vys6Uc4CJAX-YSjka8XCyju8yOniPMrmVDfd7q4Aiu_49q6hVb_l9M0lofpGWsZ4xMWAJCgt7O_HgRdj2CYpJ8eGVJM-E/s320/031+-+BZKM+Lageplan.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
As you can see on this map the clinic is rather big. It contains Psychiatry, Psychotheraphy, Forensic Psychiatry, Neurology and Neurological Early Rehabilitation. Statistics (2007) say 1.344 people are working here.<br />
<br />
Station C5/O, where I am, is part of the psychiatric clinic and one of 24 statioons with 480 beds altogether. Here in C5/O I have about 24 fellow patients. With two of them I share my bedroom. The whole area is very green - I like that!<br />
<br />
Enough dates now, let's better talk about my life here.<br />
<br />
Usually I'm an owl - when I was in hospital a couple of years ago for my broken ankle, the morning staff gabe me the nickname <i>Sleeping Beauty</i>, because I'd been so sleepy in the mornings. Still I'm no early morning bird, but getting up here is rather okay. I'm really surprised by this. Breakfast is at 07:00 a.m., lunch about 11:30 a.m. and dinner round 05:00 p.m.<br />
<br />
These times collide a little with my natural bio rhythm, because I prefer everything two hours later. Same with bedtimes, here <i>bedtime </i>(not really, but you should be in your room and quiet at 10:00 p.m. Not the easiest thing when you usually don't sleep before 00:30 a.m.!<br />
<br />
Okay, these times aren't perfect, but superduper bonus - there's no need for cooking or grocery shopping! Every Thursday there's a list for the next week, where we can choose between three dishes (local, vegetarian, mediterranean), similar with dinner. Here you can add two components having to your bread and/or bread rolls. I love Wednesdays, for dinner a big mixed salad is available. I wished more often to have it! It's so yummy!<br />
<br />
Let's now talk off the heavy, the therapies. They're various, no day is the same. Only 'Brainjogging' is for me every morning at 08:00 a.m. First I was a little mispleased by this early time, I was about to ask for another time, but then I thought, my <i>usual </i>business day also starts at 08:00 h, so I left it like it is. It's a good 'Hello-and-good-morning-wake-up-call'!<br />
<br />
Then two mornings are reserved for '<i>Visite</i>'. While on Monday we consult the stations' (in lack of a suitable word) leaders, on Thursday the Medical Director comes to your room. Both are always kind of exciting. Then, of course, I have a weekly appointment with my therapist. Those sessions are always exhausting, but also very filled with new cognitions. Same with our group talk (about 6-10 people) on Thursday afternoon.<br />
<br />
Two times a week, Tuesday and Thursday evening, are reserved for relaxation after Jacobsen. There are furthermore a choice of sport- and occupation therapies. Those, who follow my blog for a little while now, as a huge fan of <i>Wreck This Journal</i> my favorite here is <i>Art Therapy</i>. Besides art, you can got to household training, handicraft- and music therapy.<br/>
<br />
Hmm, have I forgotten something?<br />
Not really. Life is really various here. They keep your body and your mind busy and send you (me!) on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Reade more about it in the upcoming post!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-9547926231365176572012-06-04T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-04T12:00:01.204+02:00A-Z, I For Individuum - Community.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRSHgj9jvt9kX2-oTDgUkSSzWZi5e_xOSm1Qjp-OpPdw-aZkMmV7GfxCFwURF3dieF3OJmkawveH37_Eeo9KOVtY_XLEQorDECNHPkbMcKM5BsfFUtGbp2PplAx52ljqnj3QiKxKMffP4/s1600/028+-+A-Z+Individuum-Community.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="38" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRSHgj9jvt9kX2-oTDgUkSSzWZi5e_xOSm1Qjp-OpPdw-aZkMmV7GfxCFwURF3dieF3OJmkawveH37_Eeo9KOVtY_XLEQorDECNHPkbMcKM5BsfFUtGbp2PplAx52ljqnj3QiKxKMffP4/s320/028+-+A-Z+Individuum-Community.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Well, where should I start ... what should I say without repeating myself ... what to say without beginning to chatter ... what to say at all? I have an idea in mind, but no line of thought. Maybe I give it some time to develop...<br />
<br />
A bit later now:<br />
I define myself as individuum with my very own, very unique, very special combination of strengths and weaknesses, talents and beliefs, interests and ... (good thought of my fellow patient) ... also looks. Frankly speaking, I blend out that last part much too easily! And when I share some of these points with others, let's take this blogging thing here for example, then I'm becoming a part of a community.<br />
<br />
But what if at some part in your life - or maybe even as long as you can think - you feel that you do not belong to any kind of group or community??? Well, that's what I do believe!<br />
<br />
My <i>career </i>as a loner had already begun when I was a child. I was born as the first and only child of my parents plus we lived a little apart from other houses. So from very young age on I had to use my imagination for keeping me busy.<br />
<br />
When school had begun and I learnt quite easily, I've very often been <i>teachers' most favorite pet</i>. Remember in H for Help I've told you the story of my early independence.<br />
<br />
All those facts in combination made me - for sure an unique, special individuum - but also gave me that feeling that I didn't really fit in.<br />
<br />
The older I grew the more seemed my decisions, interests, knowledge and beliefs differ from the so called <i>normal</i>, at least differ from my family's expectations (also see G for Genes).<br />
<br />
An now I'm here in stationary treatment and - maybe unconsciously done - one of the therapists added to my self-fulfilling prophecy. When I arrived here, she (the therapist) let me make quite a few tests, e.g. given statements where I had to agree or disagree to and a Rorschach test. But when I asked some of my fellow patients nobody else had made those tests. Of course, my brain began immediately to work: Why had I to make those tests? What's the need for it? Am I so different that I need extra treatment? Etc.<br />
<br />
On the day when a Computer Tomography was made (a standard treatment for everybody) my fears finally broke free. What if my brain is really different? What does it mean if not? It's so hard and difficult to describe how miserable I felt!!! Do I really belong to no one in this world???<br />
<br />
In the following weekend I cooled down a little ... and to end with something positive: It seemed like I'm not the only person here, who thinks and feels this way. The talks from patient to patient do really help a lot. I'm not alone, at least I belong to this little group here!<br />
<br />
And if I continue this thought in a positive manner: If there's one community I fit in, are there maybe any others out there???Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-33760911384293000832012-06-03T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-03T12:00:07.349+02:00A-Z, H For Help.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM7E-5H1g6yXxYOkNtOtT0nCyipV4jDtEk34MM_MwRjAc9FT2NQwJm61OKStQBW9t8VDJYGUDYE4_s-4RFiUi5jNdjUwaDCCHZWHMFKlM5RtcEq9OWn91Q-a1v8EreBk367RdlEYsE1Rk/s1600/027+-+A-Z+Help.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM7E-5H1g6yXxYOkNtOtT0nCyipV4jDtEk34MM_MwRjAc9FT2NQwJm61OKStQBW9t8VDJYGUDYE4_s-4RFiUi5jNdjUwaDCCHZWHMFKlM5RtcEq9OWn91Q-a1v8EreBk367RdlEYsE1Rk/s1600/027+-+A-Z+Help.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
'I solemly swear that I'm up to no good!'<br />
For little Karin the Weasley twins' motto would have also perfectly suited. The combination of a strong will, stubbornness and wild creativity lead me more than once into embarrassing and/or strange situations.<br />
<br />
To tame her little tomboy my mother gave some responsibility in my own little hands. For instance, when I was about 8 or 9 I insisted to stay up longer than usual in order to watch something on TV or to play longer outside. Finally my mother was sick repeating her warning words all over again, she gave me my own alarm clock and said: 'Fine, you want to stay up late ... then from now on it's also on you to wake up on time!' You can imagine how quickly the learn effect was! Or after school warming my meal and making my homework all alone, because both of my parents were working. Well, it's true that I never got well along with my father, so when I was 16 and the chance was given, I moved out of my parents' house. These first few steps of responsibility many more followed.<br />
<br />
While learning to manage more and more parts of my life all by myself, the other part of the story was that I'd never learnt to ask for help. Even more asking for help was considered as weakness. And honestly, which independent young woman wants to appear as weak? Simple answer: No one!<br />
<br />
Like already described in C for Captivity the process of falling into depression is slowly, almost not to register clearly. There's your logical mind, that <i>actually </i>knows what's going on and <i>actually </i>what should be done. But there are also your feelings and your total lack of energy, which aren't able to execute those actions.<br />
<br />
I've been always proud of my self responsibility, but now the 2nd time I had to experience the negative side if you're not able to ask for help. The worse my situation got the more isolated I became ... and vize versa. A devil's circle. And still I feel too much ashamed, much too embarrassed and much too proud to ask for help. Until everything became almost too late - with emphasis on <i>almost</i>!<br />
<br />
Now in therapy one of my goals - AKA F for Final Destination - is learning to ask for help - in time!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-73656900082885775012012-06-02T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-02T12:00:06.996+02:00A-Z, G For Genes.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWGQE3WiVqqZAZLbNEkjy-AR6F7qVxxLe-MX_5epHkMalPqJ3Eb_gGdVhy54yuTQeTjw0AQewdnuFUpSYZQUJgwAzoh2XRjBSG7IEfHHix-ni4OjAMdInLw3VkdD6SKJ4Wmtg2M3l4QUg/s1600/026+-+A-Z+Genes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWGQE3WiVqqZAZLbNEkjy-AR6F7qVxxLe-MX_5epHkMalPqJ3Eb_gGdVhy54yuTQeTjw0AQewdnuFUpSYZQUJgwAzoh2XRjBSG7IEfHHix-ni4OjAMdInLw3VkdD6SKJ4Wmtg2M3l4QUg/s1600/026+-+A-Z+Genes.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
It's all in the genes, is that really so?<br />
Just finished 'Next' by Michael Crichton, an interesting book about gene-technology.<br />
<br />
It made me - with view of my current situation - curious to do a little Wikipedia research. Well, I know some cases of cancer and heart diseases in my family, so according to the gene-theory in my family history I could be at least predistinated for those ... but I haven't heard a single word about depressions. This either means there weren't any or they simply didn't talk about it.<br />
<br />
If there weren't the pretty obvious similarities in the look between my mother and me, and especially between my father and me, I would totally doubt that I'm really a part of this family!<br />
<br />
Beyond the look, there are more differences than similarities. While all my ancestors mainly prefer to settle down, get married, get children, build a house and plant a tree, I focus and live for my career. While they think in small, narrow minded dimensions, I dare to dream big and work on dreams coming true. While I'm interested in various topics, I doubt they've even heard about those, and if they are very prejudices. While ... I could continue here on and on and on...<br />
<br />
When really all is in the genes, then I wonder, why am I so different? What the hell is wrong with me? Has been made a mistake in arranging my genes?<br />
<br />
The fatal thing is, when your mind is already doubting on its health, those questions suddenly become even more significance. You begin to doubt if your way of living was correct. But what and when did I begin to make 'wrong' turns? Would have changed something if I'd known? ... I don't think so!?<br />
<br />
So, what (if?) is wrong with me?Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-47105372027349261492012-06-01T12:00:00.000+02:002012-06-01T12:00:06.097+02:00A-Z, F For Final Destination.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When making this A-Z list I jotted down 'Final Destination' in the original sense of the movie series. It simply suited too well in my Apocalypse theme.<br />
<br />
And currently?<br />
No! I hadn't had a vision of upcoming exploding airplanes, car crashes or any other disastrous events. With the consequence that Death isn't waiting for me with his macabre plan to catch me.<br />
<br />
I won't deny when you're living on the dark side of your life that death is more of a present topic then before ... but like I assured you in B for Bucket List there's something else more dominant in my head.<br />
<br />
So, you might have the right to ask why I chose 'Final Destination' as the catchword of the day?!<br />
<br />
Well, the answer is quite easy ... at least for me. You might have registered how miserable my state of mind currently is and there's also a glimmer of hope. In the first session my therapist asked me - for homework - to make a list of my goals. My interpretation of this task was to analyze (my brain busy as usual!) when my days are bright and shiny again, what should have changed or resp. should have gained back again. In other words, my personal 'Final Destination':<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii1keamWdOhfTh89-Tw-ePHfwPL6yIxDNBUPCLadgvjGF_he3wSBBZZ6VveUaOAp4VTDh6NWSC0e1tM3TaxcKxGMRkGy7BZwpG0UCwaSbudpFkH9yYkUL5jkNo96PN8TepsMWc2FeDVZc/s1600/025+-+MindMap+Ziele.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii1keamWdOhfTh89-Tw-ePHfwPL6yIxDNBUPCLadgvjGF_he3wSBBZZ6VveUaOAp4VTDh6NWSC0e1tM3TaxcKxGMRkGy7BZwpG0UCwaSbudpFkH9yYkUL5jkNo96PN8TepsMWc2FeDVZc/s400/025+-+MindMap+Ziele.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
In the center: The overall goal 'active living' or 'live actively'.<br />
Major problem to achieve this goal: low energy level! Where to get new energy?<br />
Clockwise:<br />
<ul>
<li>With all 5 senses.</li>
<li>With full concentration/focus.</li>
<li>The full range of emotions.</li>
<li>My personal Maslov pyramid. </li>
<li>From eye to eye (see E for Eyes). </li>
<li>Right balance of independence and asking for help. </li>
<li>Extend levels of safety/comfort/social.
</li>
</ul>
Let's see how my journey continues, the first few baby steps are already made, but there's still a long way to go in order to reach my personal 'Final Destination'!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-53509470242666512662012-05-31T13:15:00.001+02:002012-05-31T13:16:50.906+02:00Genuine Inspiration - A Rush Of Writing.It's strange in those weird days, somehow my mind seems kind of overproductive. Currently I work on various projects:<br />
<ol>
<li>A-Z Apocalypse. </li>
<li>Dream Diary. </li>
<li>My novel 'Neighborhood Cats: The Secret of the Moonstone'. </li>
<li>ArtJournaling incl. WTJ. </li>
<li>Writing letters to my dearest friends.</li>
</ol>
Actually you can add a No. 6 with extra blogposts like this one here!<br />
<br />
This time I want to report about a phenomenon I experienced with No. 3 of my list. Last weekend I finished the prologue, how everything in the year 1346 had started. Well, I've heard other authors saying about this, but this was my first own experience.<br />
<br />
Quite early I knew how the scene should be, but when I actually wrote it, something strange happened:
Suddenly I felt no longer as the person, who just is inventing the story, instead I felt like really being there, like a silent observer reporting about the events. There were suddenly details and actions I've never had thought of before! It was sooo strange! Like a rush. My biro couldn't write fast enough like the scene revealed itself. I was drawn back in time, down into that chamber. I felt shivery goosebumps. Simply amazing!<br />
<br />
Just have to think on that quote from the movie 'Inception':<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #b45f06;">'Imagine your designing a building. You consciously create every aspect, but sometimes it feels like it's creating itself (...) Genuine inspiration!'</span></div>
<br />
<br />
Does this mean to be an author?<br />
If 'yes', wish me luck to continue this way! The more I can write the earlier I can start translating into English and the earlier you'll get the story as blog serial novel to read.Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-51465697054234173122012-05-31T13:00:00.000+02:002012-05-31T13:08:40.034+02:00Biro Doodles For Creativity.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/nofretiri/7209112210/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank" title="ArtJournaling Biro Doodles 1 by Nofretiri"><img alt="ArtJournaling Biro Doodles 1" border="0" height="375" src="http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5342/7209112210_636bc3ffce.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/nofretiri/7209112216/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank" title="ArtJournaling Biro Doodles 2 by Nofretiri"><img alt="ArtJournaling Biro Doodles 2" border="0" height="375" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8024/7209112216_f74d95ec90.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
This is what I do when I need a little break while writing. A few minutes now and then and a biro ... in the end your first and your last concept book pages look like these:Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869650494759089117.post-68775986107515287532012-05-18T00:00:00.000+02:002012-05-18T00:00:05.245+02:00A-Z, E For Eyes.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ckrgA4u_YHr9jd33fU8bwafmtVaKANtgbYVY1dJtMd68jxkvnWNhy7_ZqV9EUmohKpfjJJ4KuLNFsxQxS4MFI6DYl4N3qw_nUGzydMOtQTdUX0IwFjYlmt_FMKv6qDgUbbyHOjbtJIE/s1600/020+-+A-Z+Eyes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ckrgA4u_YHr9jd33fU8bwafmtVaKANtgbYVY1dJtMd68jxkvnWNhy7_ZqV9EUmohKpfjJJ4KuLNFsxQxS4MFI6DYl4N3qw_nUGzydMOtQTdUX0IwFjYlmt_FMKv6qDgUbbyHOjbtJIE/s1600/020+-+A-Z+Eyes.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEyh6VJnkVKFrU-miRgQIXyIJl2iPBdb4DVQwxysJUyaTzP8Hfj6VWpsZ0CabgJyMsrRufkDqwX5ouqf09_relX_6icdoHoi1qW50OKjMHLfbrruaaEpcANt4O8ylnJqF90fwpGTW0r4s/s1600/021+-+ArtJournaling+Indian+Ocean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEyh6VJnkVKFrU-miRgQIXyIJl2iPBdb4DVQwxysJUyaTzP8Hfj6VWpsZ0CabgJyMsrRufkDqwX5ouqf09_relX_6icdoHoi1qW50OKjMHLfbrruaaEpcANt4O8ylnJqF90fwpGTW0r4s/s320/021+-+ArtJournaling+Indian+Ocean.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
When I was done with that picture (08-2007) I named it 'Indian Ocean'. Don't ask why or what for I painted it the way it is - frankly speaking I don't know! But it's pretty obvious that I love the sea and I'm obsessed with eyes, am I not?<br />
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It's said '<i>Eyes are the Portal to your Soul.</i>' I totally agree with that. I prefer literally to have an 'eye-to-eye' conversation because very often eyes can tell you so much more than just words or gestures.<br />
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Or in the other case the eyes don't say anything at all or your opposite isn't able to look in to your eyes. To make the long story short, I give a damn lot of eye contact!<br />
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But ... in my current constitution where your own soul is dark and your self confidence is below zero, you're simply not in the slightest able to search and keep eye contact. You feel so miserable and unworthy and just ashamed.<br />
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Believe me, I really miss it and you can be sure, I can't wait the day when my confidence is back for this <i>little </i>gesture to get in contact with people this way.<br />
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And I even want to go a step further. Some of you might know that I'm a huge admirer of the Indian actor Shah Rukh Khan. Among others he's famous for his passionate way of acting (some even say he's overacting). When he plays the lover fighting for his love he has this look. Sanjay LelaBansali (director of 'Devdas' among others) once said '<i>...that Shah Rukh has deep lonely eyes craving for love.</i>' For me it feels like his eyes can burn through the canvas right into my soul, it makes me shiver, it's simply magical.<br />
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What I want or wish - No! Not SRK himself! - is that one particular man, my personal lover, who fights for his love to me. That exactly this one man gives me and me alone this very special look. That his eyes burn into mine and his look can see my soul and loves what he can see there. That's what I'm wishing for!Nofretirihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13501880982112851227noreply@blogger.com0