Sunday, June 03, 2012

A-Z, H For Help.

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'I solemly swear that I'm up to no good!'
For little Karin the Weasley twins' motto would have also perfectly suited. The combination of a strong will, stubbornness and wild creativity lead me more than once into embarrassing and/or strange situations.

To tame her little tomboy my mother gave some responsibility in my own little hands. For instance, when I was about 8 or 9 I insisted to stay up longer than usual in order to watch something on TV or to play longer outside. Finally my mother was sick repeating her warning words all over again, she gave me my own alarm clock and said: 'Fine, you want to stay up late ... then from now on it's also on you to wake up on time!' You can imagine how quickly the learn effect was! Or after school warming my meal and making my homework all alone, because both of my parents were working. Well, it's true that I never got well along with my father, so when I was 16 and the chance was given, I moved out of my parents' house. These first few steps of responsibility many more followed.

While learning to manage more and more parts of my life all by myself, the other part of the story was that I'd never learnt to ask for help. Even more asking for help was considered as weakness. And honestly, which independent young woman wants to appear as weak? Simple answer: No one!

Like already described in C for Captivity the process of falling into depression is slowly, almost not to register clearly. There's your logical mind, that actually knows what's going on and actually what should be done. But there are also your feelings and your total lack of energy, which aren't able to execute those actions.

I've been always proud of my self responsibility, but now the 2nd time I had to experience the negative side if you're not able to ask for help. The worse my situation got the more isolated I became ... and vize versa. A devil's circle. And still I feel too much ashamed, much too embarrassed and much too proud to ask for help. Until everything became almost too late - with emphasis on almost!

Now in therapy one of my goals - AKA F for Final Destination - is learning to ask for help - in time!

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