Friday, June 08, 2012

A-Z, L For Lost.

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'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you 
And we'll get lost together 
'Til the light comes pouring through 
'Cause when you feel like you're done 
And the darkness has won Babe, you're not lost 
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the thought 
I said, babe, you're not lost 
From 'Lost' by Michael Buble

After 'Something Beautiful' by Robbie Williams and 'Help' by The Beatles for Art Journaling pages this is now the third time when lyrics mean something for me. Sure, this text concerns two lovers, but it also suits so well for my situation, me and my emotions.

In my last post K for Knight I told you about my knight AKA my strong mind and my little heart. Fact is that some emotions are slowly breaking through the heavy armor, but very often it's some kind of too much for me. I'm lost with my own emotions!

Let me give you an example:
Many of my therapies are held in other buildings. After being isolated in my home I have - thank God - no problems anymore leaving my station. Inside the compound I feel safe. But one side effect of my illness is that I'm over sensitive to noises.

On a Tuesday I had my first session of 'BrainGym', a computer based training for concentration and memory. Really no big deal. It's fun. And most of the time I'm better than the average. On that Tuesday the volume of noises in that room was high (at least for me). People were taking, computers beeping, a lawn mower from outside. Simply too much for my sensitive ear.

Okay, then Wednesday morning straight after breakfast I suddenly felt rather shaky and dizzy, got a thumb tongue. Very unpleasant. I had no idea what was wrong. I hoped when I sat a little longer it would go away again. Maybe the coffee was too strong or I stood up too fast. The feeling stayed. Okay, let's go to the nurses. They checked my blood pressure and pulse, but everything was okay. What the hell was wrong?

The simple answer: I was afraid!
I didn't know it, because the last time I really felt this way was long, long ago. Excitement - yes! Stage fright - yes! But afraid - no! My brain controlled everything, did everything to prepare me so well to not get me into frightening situations. And now, when my heart became stronger, it showed me that those feelings are still there. The only problem, poor Karin wasn't able to put a name on it. So my body showed typical symptoms. It's really irritating, I can tell you. To feel something and you don't know exactly what. To have a little panic attac is new and somehow frightening, too. It's like fearing the fear.

The end of the story on Thursday the game repeated, but we talked among others in our group session about it. On Friday then I took my MP3-player with me and breathed quite deeply. I registered actively, what happens and that there's nothing to be afraid of. It was okay, but believe me, afterwards I felt more exhausted than after a sport session. Anyway, the success counts!

And speaking of success - or progress. There were/are other little eruptions of emotions, like frustration, joy or loneliness. I hope in the end my brain, my heart (and my stomach, which is the third component of that trio) will be equal partners.

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