Sunday, June 10, 2012

A-Z, N For Necessities.


Well, I daresay it's not the first time (nor the last) I let myself influence by some music ... when I thought of suitable N-words, suddenly Baloo's Bare Necessities (form Dschungle Book) popped in my head:

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life

Necessities in the normal world:
In J for Joker I reported from my life here in the clinic; it's rather comfortable, but I still miss a few things ... or to use the catchword of the day ... I miss a few bare necessities.

I haven't my car with me here. I miss to have at least the possibility to leave whenever I want, whereever I want. Even if I had my car, I would have to ask the doctors if I'm allowed to go.

Despite the fact that I've never been a big mobile phone user I miss that little gadget. I forgot it when I came here and when a list of things was brought to me they didn't find that little thingy. I assume it's somewhere lost in the depths of my couch.

Besides a few clothes and other things I miss most the free, permanent access to my ArtJournaling tools. Sure, I have some here, but by far not enough!

Anyway, when a fellow patient said to me I probably could have a ride with her home and back (she lives near my place), my brain got superactive again, thinking of all possibilites and impossibilities, trying to find answers I impossibly could answer now. It was awful - kept me half of the night awake. Just for your information, a newbe like me isn't allowed to stay for 2 nights at home (like my fellow patient would do), so I have to search for other options. All that nightly thinking was in vain. And btw, I'm a little afraid to stay at home where I still only have negative memories when my days were so dark and my world so small!

Necessities in the supernatural world:
In happened to be the night from Monday to Tuesday when my head kept me busy and awake. Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday.

While we talked about my inner restiveness my chest was getting warmer and warmer - too much energy from my good source of shining bright light (See D for Daemon). And suddenly I didn't know what to do with that surplus of energy, so my therapist asked: "What do you want to do now?" I wanted to sream, shout, kick something. We went straight in the cellar into the room where usually our relaxation sessions are held - good noise isolation!

It was strange. I felt how two forces were fighting in my chest: The adult brain me, who was thinking that's ridiculous. I should keep controlled. And that energetic part. OMG! I wept, I strolled around like a tiger in it's cage, it was a real battle within me. With the knowledge that only my therapist would ever see me, the energetic part won. I kicked a non-existing enemy ... and suddenly there she was: my inner child. Have you ever heard of her?

She was beautiful with golden blond hair, so young, maybe 5 or 6 years old and so innocent, but also so very sad and so very angry.

The stranger, the enemy became her (my) father. She wanted to kick him for all his pysical and psychic cruelty. And she did kick his ass ... she wept, she screamed ... so long until all that surplus energy was consumed. Then she wanted to be hugged and solaced. It was through time I became her older sister, giving her all the bare necessities she urgently had needed (and until now, she never had received).

It sounds strange, believe me, it was strange, but wonderful and exhausting, too. For the rest of the day I was done with the world, but also somehow peaceful and quiet.

I'd like to end with a quote from Prof. Dumbledore/Harry Potter 7: "Of course it is happening in your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real."


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