Thursday, June 07, 2012

A-Z, K For Knight.

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First I voted for 'Knowledge', which would have also suited. But I wasn't really satisfied with it. Above all, I had it already used in our February Journaling Challenge. And then this little word came so perfectly!

Remember in I for Individuum - Community I mentioned that a Rorschach test was made with me. And in one of the last pictures I saw a knight - or better said a Samurai in his armor. I asked the therapist, if I could have a copy of the picture (plus a second one, which also meant a lot to me), but she denied. But lucky me and thanks to Google Image Research and the fact that those two pictures were colored. I'd found them instantly. I intended to make an Art Journaling page with them, but I still haven't a new Paperblank book, so for now you just get the one picture alone: Can you see the knight/Samurai warrior?

You might wonder, why a knight/warrior is so important for me? In D for Daemon I've also mentioned the NLP technique work with inner parts. From another exercise I have that particular picture in mind, which is still so actual:

I imagined my brain as a tough, heavy armored knight standing in front of my little helpless heart protecting it.

After meeting my knight you might also want to know, what reason for he's here and how he'd become so mighty? In H for Help you got to read a little of my early independence, means my mind, my brain, whatever you'd like to call it, grew up very fast, it simply took the lead. On the other side, I didn't really got much emotional attention. Good marks in school had become standard, were almost preconditioned. I only received some emotional reaction when my wild side broke free and/or I did something wrong. Later on as a teenager the violence from my father was replaced by psychic terror. Some other circumstances, which would lead too far now, made me never experiment with the whole range of emotions.

That for my brain developed a very clever strategy. I was thirsty for knowledge (and food!). Knowledge was my safety net. I was interested in each and everything. I made a lot of studies, courses and further educational trainings. I red (and stil read) a lot. When I read/hear/see something interesting new, I usually do a basic backround research. In advance - to avoid danger - my mind thinks of various options, so nothing can't really surprise me, or better said hurt me.

My brain AKA my knight got trained and strong and powerful. I can sell myself very well. I appear interested, happy, always controlled from the outside, but in the inside I'm not really able to feel anything.

And my heart? My emotions? I hide them, protected them, locked them away. But you can't lock away emotions, they are there, with the only stupid effect, you can't feel them anymore. Believe me, they find another way to break free (more about that with the letter L)!

These days my knight is losing a little of his power and my heart is slowly breaking free, begins to show some emotions.

A little P.S.:
While writing those last lines I feel a pleasant warmth in my chest, like my heart fully agrees!!!

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