Saturday, June 09, 2012

A-Z, M For Masquerade.

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First I thought K, L and M would become a theme-trio, but I'm thinking brain and heart do well enough with K for Knight and L for Lost, even when Masquerade is more or less a consequence of both of them.

We all play different roles in our lifes. I am ... a daughter, a friend (maybe even a foe, at least a competitor), a private person, a business woman, a writer/Art Journaler/blogger ... and currently a patient.

My most contradictive rolesa are at the moment my business me and my patient me.

Let's beginn with the latter. I'm a patient in a clinic letting my depressions treated. I'm currently sitting on a comfortable couch in the empty TV room, wearing warm, woolen socks, Yoga trousers, a Kolkata Knight Riders T-Shirt (the cricket team of my favorite actor Shah Rukh Khan) and a vest. It's sunny, but a little fresh today. I don't wear any make-up and don't give a thing about my hair, a simple ponytail does the job. I sleep, I eat, I drink, I go to my therapies, now and then I have a little breakdown and crying fits. I think a lot about myself and my situation and have enough time to be creative. See my post 'A Rush Of Writing'.

Then there's the business me. We don't need to discuss that outfit, hair and make-up aren't this casual, but more business like. It's especially the behavior that differs. I'm a professional, trained to deal with my clients and groups, and - important - to talk with superiors. Like once said before, I know how to sell myself.

The fatal thing is, when those opposites collide in situations. I can't stop the business behavior, it's such a dominant part in me - so sometimes I look better from the outside than I feel from the inside. Like an actress, who plays her roll all too well, shows the perfect masquerade.

Currently I have a person, who helps me with authorities and forms. When I talk with her, I assume, she has that particular impression of me. Maybe unconscious she gives me the feeling that she expects me to be healthy again in a bit of a time ... and I?

I feel nothing but pressure and expectations I can't fulfill. This doesn't help to concentrate on my real problem. On the contrary it affects me so much that during last weekend I fell deep in my darkest hour for a short while. Felling alone, isolated and unable to do anything.

So, what do we learn from this?
  1. I shouldn't feel guilty that I felt miserable. It was only a short time and it's allowed to have negative emotions. 
  2. I've learnt to ask for help, because I asked my doctors to get in contact with that person and talk to her. 
  3. Show more what you feel so that your opposite knows, what's going on. Lift the masquerade a little - but how???

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