A-Z, Epilogue.

In R for Reputation you've got familiar with the car metaphor what happens with our brain during the depression and in the meantime in altogether 26 letters you've got to read a lot about me, my emotions, my struggles, my thoughts, everything that concerns my life in depression.

First and above all I've written those posts for myself. It's like my own documentation of my stay in the clinic and everything that was important for me. Second, I've written for my friends all over the world. The advantage of telling everything just once instead of repeating myself all over again. And third, maybe - really just maybe - there's somebody out there, who can read something out of my lines and speaks about his/her illness or the one's of a partner, family member, friend or colleague.

With breaking the silence and talking openly about depressions we have the easiest, but also most powerful weapon to help.

Go ahead and talk! Don't hesitate to ask!

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A-Z, Z for 3-2-1-Zero.

'Cos I've seen blue skies

through the tears in my eyes

and I realize 

I'm going home. 

From Rocky Horror Picture Show

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A-Z, Y for Yin Yang.

Hmm... in lack of any idea, what to write here with this wonderful catchword, let's better bring it to an end, what do you think?

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A-Z, X for X-Files.

X-File Depression: Closed (for now)!

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A-Z, W For Weapon.

First I thought about symptoms that could and did occur while depressions and other information, but that all was already wonderfully done in Wikipedia (->Depression).

Frankly speaking that idea for this post didn't go well off hand. I couldn't find the right words - again, maybe now coming to an end, I'm simply out of words. That for I decided to just leave it at that. Period.

Oh, maybe just one word to W for Weapon: Our most powerful weapon against prejudices and depression itself are wisdom and talking about it!

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A-Z, V For Victory.

Veni, Vidi, Vici. - I came, I saw, I played some games and I won - well, sometimes.

When you're feeling better - Thank God I do - you do almost everything for time to go by. Among others a spare time activity is playing games. I favor card games like 'Skip-Bo' and board games like 'Mensch Aergere Dich Nicht' (=Ludo/Parcheesi) or Rummy, which is a variation of Romme only with plastic bricks instead of cards.

Anyway, here you're in the lucky position that most of the time another player is around, you just have to knock on a door or two.

Interesting to know or better not know that I don't have the slightest glue, how games I played as a kid are named in English! Thanks to dict.cc!

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A-Z, U For Unique.

First I went for U for Universe in order to write about my dream/phantasy world versus the real world. I sat in front of my concept book and no words came out. Obviously it wasn't the right time to think about this topic. So, I decided to chose another catch word:

In J for Joker I've mentioned Art Therapy. Today I want to tell you a little more about it.

The room was just the way I imagine a place for being creative. Light and open, with lots of space for only a limited group of people. Shelves with art books and colors and pencils and everything you dream to use for your kind of art. Large tables if you wish to sit and work with clay and decorative art on the walls. Just wonderful!

My first lesson was on a Monday morning. Two others were also new. After introduction we were given a huge piece of paper (100x70 cm) clipped on a easel the way we felt better, I decided for landscape format.

Btw: I have to register that my art vocabulary is limited - a good reason to learn some new words!

Then we hat to chose one acrylic color. Does somebody wonder my choice was blue. After feeling the sheet of paper with our hands to get an idea for its dimensions, we had to close our eyes and paint something for 30 seconds. We were asked to step back and have a look if we 'see' something, which we could continue painting, plus adding other colors, too.

First I saw on the top right corner a cloud, but when I continued with the center it didn't fit in there anymore. It became just a monochrome (blue, black & white) mixture of shapes and forms. Have a look:

I also loved the second lesson, after finishing my painting. The art therapist gave me a collection of headlines, where I should chose one and do whatever comes into my mind. The first headline that got into my hands was 'The breathless beauty'. In the end my mind came up with a diary entry, where I reported about an imaginative morning in front of the Taj Mahal.

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A-Z, T For Tangram.

Do you know Tangram? A puzzle with just 7 pieces, which can be arranged in countless combinations, from people to animals over objects and houses to simple geometric forms, which are the most difficult by the way!

It happens to be that I somehow feel like a Tangram. The pieces are there and familiar, I'm just not sure about the outcome ... What will the final form be? Or is it just like Tangram, that the form is variable? That I am variable, because everything is changing at the moment?

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A-Z, S For Single.

Frankly speaking I've never given much thought of that single-or-couple-thing. I was most of my life single. Period.

I've never doubted this status, I lived my life and was happy just the way it was - with 1% exception on special occasions or holidays like Christmas, where you wished to have someone special. I was always satisfied with just myself...

Should I consider it as good or bad sign that I do care now about my status as single?! Or is why does it care at all at the moment the better question? Seems like some of my old me, my old engergy, whatever has returned back and just because there's so much changing, maybe a part in me hopes this would change, too?

Whatever ... it's hard to deny, our station is a big community and with two room mates it's sometimes a little difficult to respect the other's privacy. I didn't eavesdrop, I just registered when my room mate was phoning and flirting with her boy friend. This was so frustrating. In a world where obviously looks is everything I couldn't help avoiding to think 'Why she and not me?'. You know, she's overweight, too! And she isn't the only one overweight with a boy-/girlfriend or even wife/husband. Again this thought came up 'What the hell is wrong with me?'

When did the wish to have a partner become so strong? I yearn for deep, craving eyes (See E for Eyes) and long for warm, strong arms, that hold me thight and secure. The need is so ardently, that the lack of it even makes me cry. I'm sometimes really emotional...

t also happens here to get in touch with the other side of the medal. There are some people having a partner and those are now worried, because the partner is worried about them. I won't deny having depressions is no piece of cake! A part in me is asking, is becoming a couple really the only solution or to use another S-word - even salvation?!?

Let's come back to the 'warm, strong arms' ... there's a fellow patient, a soul of a good man, seems to be always there for me, when I need some consolation or a hug - or both. Get me right, I don't have a crush on him, he's just the best buddy a woman can dream of. And he enlightens the hope that there are others like him out there ... if I dare to wish, then at least 6 years older and with blue eyes - and single, please!

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A-Z, R For Reputation.

Why is it so important what others think of me? How (if so) do I explain where I currently am and what's going on with me? Why can I accept on others that depressions are an illness? Why do I think that my own depression is nothing but my own weakness, my own fault, the result of being unable to live my life?

btw: I should have used them for the letter Q - these are a lot of questions!

And another one: Why do we set different standards on others than on ourselves? - I don't know. I do. And that's wrong!

Not the first time I think that's also a problem made by the public, because depressions have still that stigmata. What if the public could really see and accept depressions as a true illness? What if I could see my own depression as a true illness?

It's so weird even when I'm dealing with this for quite a while now this particular message hasn't sunken in! But it is so important what I think of myself, then I wouldn't mind so much what others think of me, right?

At the moment I try to find the right words for myself. How would I explain myself my illness?

I'm playing with the metaphor of a car. Our body is like a car. There might be some predispositions, because of our genes, e.g. if your mother or grandmother had depressions the procentage is higher that you also could be susceptible for it (See also G for Genes). Pertaining to cars: the whole series could have some kind of problems and you can't change this.

Okay, the brain needs dopamine and serotonin to work correctly, like a car would need gasoline or oil. If the gasoline is now of minor quality or the oil old, it can't work right and - important - it's not the fault of the car!

The driver can prevent those 'accidents' by brining the car regularly to inspection, in case of depressions suitable regular medication helps the ill body to run better.

Well, I think I should continue working on this metaphor until I can 100% accept that depressions are an illness. Then I can better think of me, too, and can always argue right.

I can't help it: What do you think?

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A-Z, Q For Question.

K/C	childish, knight, cat owner, communicative
A	artist, author, adventurer, afraid
R	realist, reader
I	individuum, idealistic, intelligent, India fan, ironic
N	narrator, nice
E	egoist, empath
I	integer, intrepidly, interesting/interested
D	dreamer, different, diplomatic, depressive
E	energetic, extraordinary, enthusiastic, erratic
R	rider, real, riddler, romantic

And think about it:

...a lots more!

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